words and numbers

Assign each letter a value greater than itself

long divided by a sense of wonder

greater than any number

or compilation thereof

Pointless shapes placed adjacent

letters spell words with meanings

words side by side purport,

multiply by infinity

Divide by zero

like black holes in space

senseless lines imply significance

interpreted interminably

I'm fine (but not really)

I'm fine
People say I'm fine all the time. It's probably the single most common answer to how are you, to are you alright, to what's wrong.
I'm fine.
I say it too. And sometimes, rarely, I'm not lying.
Sometimes I really am fine, but is fine really that great in the end.
Why not I'm good, I'm happy, I'm freaking awesome.
Fine, not so bad but not that dandy either.
Even when people are truly just fine, its not enough. Because fine is not living, fine is surviving. Just coasting through.
But most times, I'm fine is choked out past a lump in your throat. Thrown over a shoulder as you turn away, so no one can see you cry.
I have lied before. I have lied about big things.I have told little white lies that don't hurt anyone. I have lied by evading the truth and by just staying silent. But the most common, the most often told lie?
I'm Fine.
Because if there wasn't a problem I would use a different word, any other phrase. Because usually I'm fine means the perfect opposite.
So next time you here I'm fine.
Take it as an invitation to ask,
No, Really?

My Treasures

My life is filled with riches

for I walk in fields of gold.

I can see it in the sunsets

and my diamonds in the sky.

As they twinkle, glitter, gleam

so high up in the night.

My emeralds in the forests,

alive and filled with trees.

My sapphires blue as blue can be,

down in the deep blue seas.

And the roses are my rubies

And my pearls, the gleaming snow.

And nature is beautiful, indeed

That I surely know

For I am the richest person

and I'm happy as can be

I Fly

Sometimes the world sucks. Life is hard and then we die.

My heart will break into a hundred tiny mirror fragments, seven years bad luck. I reach and miss, and I hit the ground and I break. But I always put myself back together. Piece by piece, painstakingly glued back together with happy memories and hope. Rebuilt anew, different but the same, stronger but still frail from the fall.

And sometimes instead of falling and picking up all the pieces, I run scared. And I run, and run, and run. I run because I am so tired so exhausted of my life and the world. Because it hurts like broken glass in open wounds. And I run until it hurts to think anymore, which is the whole point. And I Can't stop because I'm scared, so I keep going until the soles of my shoes are ground to dust and my feet bleed from overuse. I keep going because even though I hurt it's better than thinking, it's easier than thinking. I can't stop.

So sometimes I need somebody to trip me and let me hit the ground. Cause if they catch me, will I learn?

Sometimes the saving is in the act of making me fall. And most times it ends there. I trip and I fall and I get back up and move on, just slightly better off than I was. Slightly stronger, slightly smarter.

But sometimes, sometimes I get tripped and I fall to hit the ground but somehow, I miss. I miss the ground and then all there is, is to fly. And instead of coming back ever so slightly better than before I am the phoenix rising and I can fly.

Issues

I have a lot of issues. Difficult ones that are overly complicated and difficult to solve. Oftentimes my issues don't even make sense, completely illogical, inexplicable, incomprehensible.

I have issues with avoidance. Issues with anxiety. Issues with authority, independence, and making decisions. I have issues with commitment and with telling people that I need help.

So many issues that somewhere along the line that was All there was. And all I could do was be sucked under a flood of previously dormant problems.

So many that there is no room to live anymore.

All in all, I think I'd like some less... painful issues. No more issues that swallow up my life until I just quit trying.

I think I'm going to replace them decidedly different issues.

Like, for instance, my newly discovered issue with shrimp. I used to quite like shrimp; I thought that it was tasty, especially fried. I liked my mother's coconut shrimp with sweet and sour sauce, all juicy and delicious, and the shrimp from that one Japanese restaurant, hibachi grilled and lemony. Recently though, I don't like shrimp anymore. It's not the preparation of said shrimp (my dad is a damn good cook) it just tastes... funny. And the texture... it's all rubbery and odd. I can't explain it.

I like this issue much better than those up top because, well, even though my random distaste for shrimp doesn't really make sense, it's not a difficult one. Not really solvable but not overly distressing either.

... I do, however, hope to get over it soon. There is so much good food that includes shrimp.

Dare to Die

Can't start to live until

You've dared to die

And I die

And I try

And I'm a long way waiting

I'm here and I'm now

It's time to move on

And go on

And I'm gone

And I can't wait to get out

There's no guide to follow

The breath that I breathe

And I breathe

And I seethe

And I do what I want to

The Alpha, Omega

The beginning and the end

And I end

And I mend

And I'm just getting started

Sooner or later

We all learn to fly

And I fly

And I'm high

And I'm finally free

Four Horsemen

Pestilence draws near

Fever paining, gaining ground

The White horse he rides

Famine causes fear

Wheat failing, rotting in fields

Drawn Black horse he guides

War comes sword in hand

Bodies bleeding, feeling pain

Red horse she arrives

Death rides across land

Scythe sweeping, creeping closer

On Pale Horse he comes

Four Horsemen they ride

Plague, blight, conflict, in the end

All things fall to Death